Interrogator: Are you a good Muslim?
Shafiq : (pauses) I try to be.The Road To Guantanamo (2006)
I haven’t been the best of Muslims lately. Not that I am on any other given day, but insya Allah I think I’ve been better than where I am right now.
You know that feeling of hopelessness when you’ve committed so many sins consecutively and feel like there’s no way you can ever ask for forgiveness and have your repentance be accepted? It’s a repeated theme in Frank McCourt’s memoir, where he feels like he’s gone too far down into the depths of darkness that he’ll never emerge, and so he quits Catholicism and launches into all things forbidden because he figures, what’s the use? He’s got nothing to lose.
Although I haven’t gone to Frank’s extent in doing the wrong things, I can relate to the theme. There are times when I feel like I keep on doing the same mistakes over and over again (and all within a short span of time) that I feel so ashamed when I face the kiblah and raise my hands for du’a. I feel ashamed at having to repent for the same thing for so many times that sometimes, I don’t see the point in it anymore. I’m beyond help, so far gone beyond the valley of forgiveness that I might as well just screw up the rest of my life because I don’t deserve His Paradise anyway. Remorse feels overdone, regret feels false, both heart and feeling just deaden away and I’m still not learning my lesson. I end up infuriated with myself, my weaknesses, my susceptibility to fall prey to evil things. So I give up.
But it’s useless to turn my head away and pretend it doesn’t matter because it does. I feel miserable, and everything I do seems to have lost its purpose. And as much as I’m disgusted with myself, I just can’t make do without Him. It isn’t even remotely possible. So what do you when you find yourself on your knees praying you’ll get yourself back on track, only to undo your prayer by your stupid actions? You end up on that prayer mat again, staring at the ground, wondering what in the world is wrong with you.
During a long drive the other day, I pondered on death. My colleague’s mother just passed away last week unexpectedly (may Allah SWT bless her soul), and my favourite cousin from my mother’s side is facing Stage 4 cancer. He’s the type who, upon entering a room, has it livened up within minutes. And to see him still jovial despite everything is painful. I wondered how I’d be should I have a terminal illness, or if I knew when I was going to die. Would I be as reckless as I am now?
Lutfi recommended me a book the other day, I’ve forgotten the title, but he gave me a few excerpts. One read:
Everyone who is taken by death asks for more time, while everyone who still has time makes excuses for procrastination.
- Saidina Ali bin Abi Talib R.A
This hit me hard, because one thing I found from this is that it’s never too late as long as you’re still alive and in this world. Your test isn’t over yet, which means you still have the opportunity to turn things around. The problem is usually with taking the first step, or in my case, it’s making a real effort to stay on course and to not give up on myself no matter how hopeless it looks.
I remembered a Hadeeth about a man who killed 100 people, and was still forgiven for his sins. And from the Forty Hadith Qudsi, I found the following:
Hadith Qudsi 33:
On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him)that the Prophet (peace be upon him), from among the things he reports from his Lord (mighty and sublime be He), is that he said:
A servant [of Allah's] committed a sin and said: O Allah, forgive me my sin. And He (glorified and exalted be He) said: My servant has committed a sin and has known that he has a Lord who forgives sins and punishes for them. Then he sinned again and said: O Lord, forgive me my sin. And He (glorified and exalted be He) said: My servant has committed a sin and has known that he has a Lord who forgives sins and punishes for them. Then he sinned again and said: O Lord, forgive me my sin. And He (glorified and exalted be He) said: My servant has committed a sin and has known that he has a Lord who forgives sins and punishes for sins. Do what you wish, for I have forgiven you.
Hadith Qudsi 34:
On the authority of Anas (may Allah be pleased with him), who said: I heard the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) say: Allah the Almighty said: O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great at it.
These make me feel so small..as you would with someone who willingly forgives you no matter how many times you’ve wronged them. To have Allah SWT Himself be so forgiving when you already owe Him so much isn’t a feeling I can put down in words.
I remember Awin once writing some time back something along the lines of “If everything looks like it’s falling apart, reflect on your relationship with God. If it’s alright, everything else will fall into place.” And the ever encouraging Maddie (who’s helped me more than she realises) sent me this page (I hope you don’t mind me sharing sweetie) when I needed it most a few days ago, and it’s done wonders.
Also, Lutfi (the brother lah) sent me a number of excerpts as I said. There’s too many to share, but I’ll pick two:
Something missing in my heart tonight
Has made my eyes so soft.
My voice
So tender
My need of God
Absolutely
Clear.
-Hafiz
The second is by Rabi’a Al-’Adawiyyah, who said “May God steal from you all that steals you away from Him”, but I read it wrong the first time I saw it, and I think my misread quote brings me more comfort than the above.
“May Allah steal you from all the things that steal you away from Him.”
For I want to be stolen.
Enough said here.
