Last week was quite the hellish week.
I was living on caffeine, being artificially awake in classes, walking around like a zombie and having nightmares about conveyancing documents. If I threw up, I have a suspicion the contents of the puddle of vomit would’ve looked/smelt like drafting work.
Anyway.
To survive the mundane task of typing out legal letters and advice, I found some lawyer jokes from the Malaysian Bar website. It gave me some good laughs.
Joke #1:
The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, “If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?” The student replied, “Here’s an orange.” The professor was outraged.”No! No! Think like a lawyer!”
The student then replied, “Okay. I’d tell him ‘I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..
My PP lecturer Mr B hates this sort of thing, and I can see why. He says today’s lawyers use too much legal jargon and get so technical that even their clients don’t understand them. Should I be worried that what the student says makes sense completely? Oh wait, I’m supposed to know this stuff.
Joke #2
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognised the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, “Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?” The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?” “$7.98.” A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.
Unfortunately very true.
Joke #3:
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
Because that’s what some lawyers do. All fuss and fanfare, but in the end, they get paid for work not actually done by them. It’s smart, but the term ‘honest living’ does not apply.
And the best one so far has got to be:
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his Bookkeeper has swindled him of $10 million dollars. However, the Bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf a Bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to challenge the Bookkeeper about his missing money, the Bookkeeper brings along his Lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the Bookkeeper: “Where is the money you embezzled from me?”. The Lawyer, using sign language, asks the Bookkeeper where the money is hidden. The Bookkeeper signs back: “I don’t know what you are talking about.” The Lawyer tells the Godfather: “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.” The Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper’s temple, cocks it, and tells the Lawyer: “Ask him again!”. The Lawyer signs to the Bookkeeper: “He’ll kill you for sure if you don’t tell him!”. The Bookkeeper signs back: “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in the suburb.” The Godfather asks the Lawyer: “Well, what did he say?”. The Lawyer replies: “He says ‘Bull! You don’t have the guts to pull the trigger’.”
LOL.
Enough said here.
