In no way does posting the above song undermine my genuineness at writing the below entry. Oddly enough, it was this very song that prompted me to write, so I thought I might share it. Friendster blog does not support audio plugins, so youtube it is.
I have no intention of spending the rest of my holidays wallowing in regret and self-pity. The next few weeks are the only time I have to really take a full breather before taking the final plunge into my final semester, so I have to let this go.
In a manner of speaking, I need some closure. I need to say goodbye.
To the semester that was,
As inadequate, as insufficient, as insignificant as it might sound - I am so very sorry.
How can I express in words how heartfelt this apology is meant to be? If I could have a superpower, it’d be one where I’d be able to convey all that I mean to say and feel with one mild touch of the hand, no words required, no struggle to string letters together necessary.
I hadn’t been fair to you. I hadn’t engaged myself with you as much as I should have, and my attempts at paying you the due attention you deserved was half-hearted, at best.
I just couldn’t bring myself to like you, to devote myself fully to you, to give you the very best of what I had, and what I could offer.
The fervour, the determination, the passion just wasn’t there this time around. Not that it was ever entirely present in my past semesters, but this time around though, it was marginally different. I couldn’t bring myself to care anymore. No matter how much I tried to muster a fighting spirit, I could sense that it was going to be absent and stay absent throughout the 4 months, and it was, barring a few bouts of enthusiasm during PIL and Evidence lectures.
Despite the 3 month break before you, as it was, I was jaded as I ever had been. Focus wafted in and out, and I was perpetually distracted with the nagging feeling that I wasn’t where I was supposed to be.
I’m not going to try and conjure up feeble defences; I have no excuses, which is why an apology is all that I have to show for my lack of dedication to you.
It showed.
It showed in the dwindling quality of my work, in my poor results, in my weak efforts to get things done right, and it will probably show when I receive my result transcript in December.
Everyone around me seemed to be soaring, they found it in themselves to rise to the occasion, and they were brave enough to face the difficulties. They proved themselves to you.
In stark contrast, I languished under the pressure, trying to keep up.
And somewhere along the way, I cracked, and the cracks ran deep.
I was psychologically wiped out.
What was it about you that I couldn’t deal with? I found myself on three separate medical leaves because it seemed like even my physical self had a natural aversion to you, as though my body was telling me it was disagreeing with you as much as my spiritual self.
I look back now, and all I can think of is how I didn’t give you my best shot, and it’s so disappointing.
So all I can do now is to try and accept you as you have been, go over where I went wrong, rectify them once I figure out what they are and try to look forward.
To anticipate sunshine and to be prepared for rain.
The only thing worse than letting you down is letting my parents down, and I hope you’ll make it bearable by reminding me of something good I can salvage from you, so that you wouldn’t have been a complete lost cause.
Something good would be…like dear friends who reached out with their care and concern, who asked after me, who wished me well, who made me laugh or smile or think or appreciate. It’d be like having the best roommate a girl could ask for, someone who’s so much fun to be around with, to go crazy with, to have a panic fit with, to cheer on Liverpool with, to go rempitting with, a roommate who sends cheer-upper messages to help me get through the finals when I wasn’t well. It’d be like lunch with a certain girl from Engin, and another certain girl from KAED, lunches that went down all too well because of the good company and chemistry. It’d be like selling cupcakes with an unforgettable bunch of girls to raise money, like a birthday gathering with wonderful people there to share it with, like receiving touching and encouraging words from online friends, like spending a day in the park spontaneously, like Hari Raya open houses, like Ramadhan on campus…
It’s said that there’s always a hikmah behind everything, if you know where to look.
At this juncture, all I can do is to just fall upon my knees and clasp my hands together, to look upwards, to be thankful for what was despite my major shortcomings, and to remember to never take anything for granted, no matter how small it might seem at face value.
At this juncture, it’s the best I can do.
Here’s to a lesson well-learnt.
And here’s to better things ahead.
Farewell, to the semester that was.
I pray I do better justice to the semester that will be.
Insya Allah and Amin.
Enough said here.
Loves.
