organised chaos

Currently
Playing: Deep Forest – Sweet Lullaby.

Beautiful music
from the Soloman Islands, this. One worth noting, I might add.

A few
days ago, I dreamt of writing.

I
can’t recall what it was I wrote, but I vividly remember that I was fighting
against time, penning down as much as I possibly could, but before I was done I
woke up. It felt both cruel and sad because it was then I realised that the
time when I’m sleeping and my subconscious musings start kicking in is probably
the only time I’ll have to get any writing done.

I
haven’t been doing justice to this little web space of mine so I thought I’d
drop by for a bit. The strange thing is, now that I’m finally in front of the
screen, I don’t exactly know where to begin, and how. Words don’t come as
easily as they used to. I’m going to be rusty and all over the place, but here
I go.

—————

The
4^th year workload hasn’t been kind on any of us. It’s been quite an
onslaught and I have absolutely no love for it whatsoever.

Nothing
quite stamps the fact that you’re a senior as effectively as a lecturer who
booms out:

“People!
This isn’t your first, second or third year anymore. WELCOME. TO. FINAL. YEAR.”

Each word enunciated clearly.

I
remember one particular lecture where the lecturer smiled down at us and began
with the words:

“Alright, let’s begin, and let me confuse you further.”

This
is a class which makes me feel tremendously stupid every time I walk out of it,
not because the lecturer pointedly says so, but because after every lesson,
you’re made more aware of how much you don’t know.

It
isn’t a bad thing because it pushes you to expand your reading and general
knowledge, but when you’re taking 6 core subjects, each which require a lot of
attention, and when certain lecturers aren’t exactly helpful to begin with, it
leaves you with very little time to do some extra research. If we’re expected
to be students of high quality, might I suggest an abolition of the 60% final
examinations and more focus on coursework and participation? It’s only through
engagement that you’re able to really appraise a person, and not just through
answer scripts. And yes, I say this although I’m better at expressing myself
through writing rather than speaking.

All
in all however, I suppose the one primary thing that gets to me most is the
feeling of being cheated. This semester’s been a bit of a culture shock for me.
I feel like I’m having everything I’ve known pulled out from under me, like a
blindfold’s been yanked from my eyes, and now I finally see how ignorant I’ve
been. Really, what’s the point of prepping us for the last 3 years on how the
law should be applied, only to arrive at 4^th year and see how
the law is actually applied? And the ethics of the profession, masya
Allah, don’t get me started on that. I am sick of people who say
that you’ve got to know how to weasel your way around the legal world, and that
if you can’t wing it, then you’re not made of the right stuff to be a lawyer.
If being a lawyer means being morally bankrupt, I think I’ll pass, thank you.

They
say that things in the outside world aren’t the same one bit. If that’s the
case, why are we wasting 4 years of our lives swallowing down syllabus after
syllabus that aren’t going to be very helpful anyway? I deem that terribly
unfair. 4 years is no small price to pay.

I
don’t mean to sound like a gripe after so long an absence, but these are
matters which I feel very strongly about, and felt compelled to share. No
doubt, everyone has their own frustrations; these happen to be mine.

Something
needs to be done. And fast.

—————

“Bad art is
more tragically beautiful than good art ’cause it documents human
failure.” – Stay.

Stay
is my latest movie recommendation, starring Ewan McGregor, Naomi Watts and Ryan
Gosling who pulls off an impeccable performance, in my humble opinion.

It’s
actually been a long 2 years since this film was released, but I think this is
one of those movies that I can fully appreciate only in my own time and space.

Without
revealing too much, it’s a psychological thriller that explores the
subconscious mind of an art student who’s on the brink of committing suicide.
It has an imaginative concept, but I think the most intriguing aspect of the
film was how visually stimulating it was, and how it brings up some
thought-provoking notions at the end. This is a film you have to watch at least
twice in order to spot all the details that are essentially relevant to the
story.

Give
it a go, and maybe we’d have some fodder for discussion about reality and
illusions.

—————

Aren’t
we glad Ramadhan’s here?

This
Iman needs some serious repair and this Soul needs restoration. It’s sad that
the dorm room I got for my final two semesters isn’t facing the mosque like it
has for the past 3 years. There’s something about looking out your window at
3am, seeing the familiar dome and minarets, and being able to hear the clear
recitations of the Quran. It’s an indescribable feeling, and one which I will
miss come Ramadhan next year.

Insya
Allah, this will be my final Ramadhan in my university.

Everything’s
about finales and endings now.

—————

I
don’t mean to be anti-climatic, but what in the world is Steve Finnan doing at
Espanyol?! He’s been consistent as a right-back, and he’s fed plenty of balls
to set up goals. What’s he doing in a non-Liverpool jersey?!

I
wish I knew what Rafa’s thinking. More importantly, I hope he knows what he’s
doing.

Back
to the drawing board, please.

—————

Sebenarnya,

There
are so many things I want to say, so many things I still want to write.

I’ve
had several entries constructed in my head for a really long time now, based on
some observations I’ve made over the years.

On
Islamophobia, on the level of ignorance in today’s so-called advanced modern
world (it’s unbelievable, the people you meet online), on the erosion of faith,
on craving for conviction, on evolving cultures, on the concept of
morality…I’ve had them all pent up in me for so long, it’s giving me chest
constrictions just to keep myself from writing them. But I can’t allow myself
to do that, and I’ll reveal the reason soon.

—————

This
is just something I need to write for me, and as unlikely it may be, it might
be a sign you’ve been looking for.

I
found something the other day. I don’t think it was meant to be found, at least
not by me. It made me do some thinking about a lot of things.

One
stood out the most.

Alanis
Morisette said it best: “You live, you learn.”

I’ll
probably never understand, because when all I have are jigsaw puzzles with
nothing to guide me, I stand a high chance of putting all the pieces in the
wrong places and the bigger picture comes out making no sense.

It’s
ok, because I’m getting too old for all this. I really am.

I’m
taking baby steps first.

All
I ask is that these scars stay, not as a deliberate disfigurement, but as a
reminder for me.

A reminder that bad things sometimes happen for a good reason.

I’m
learning, dear friends.

Even
if I’m not sure what the lesson really is,

I’m
still learning.

—————

I love how
Ramadhan makes everything so much easier, that much simpler.

Because really,
it’s not just about hunger and thirst.

Enough said
here.