I’ll share a secret with you.
I know that sometimes it seems as though I enjoy proving my
point in something, even more so when I can prove people wrong.
In actual fact, that couldn’t be more further than the
truth. Point blank, I don’t like confrontations or fights; I prefer to walk
away from them. It isn’t borne out of nobility or honour, but it’s because of
how capable I am of saying things that doesn’t just sting, but sear right
through. I don’t like my buttons being pushed or being provoked, because when
that happens, I have to work real hard not to open my mouth. I don’t trust
myself to speak, so I clam up.
It’s worse when I’m deathly quiet; that means it’s taking
all of my willpower not to say something I’d regret for a long time afterwards,
and you have no idea how I have to cut my insides out and bite my tongue to
keep from letting anything out. I need to concentrate on keeping myself from exploding, and it’s no easy work. Having said that, I don’t know how I’m going
to keep my cool when future judges bellow at me in court or when opposing lawyers tick me off, but I don’t have an
option in that regard.
The truth is, you can’t escape disagreements and I accept
that. But disagreements can be settled in a civil and cordial manner. It
becomes dangerous for me and the other person once a disagreement becomes an
argument. For Anger comes from Syaitan, and Syaitan is made of Fire, and once
I’m angry, it’s very difficult to put out that Fire. That’s why I’m always
cautious around the people I’m with. I can always walk away from conflicts, but
I can’t back away when I’m forced into a corner and I have to argue my way out
of it.
Most people would say it’s better to settle a matter upfront
rather than to just stew in your own juices, but I’ve got to stress the reason
why I’d rather avoid it. It affects me as much as it’ll affect the next person,
and I’d rather cut my insides out a thousand times over rather than cut the
other person through. It isn’t self-sacrificial; it’s a matter of self-control.
Which brings me to Jalaluludin Rumi:
“Out beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing,
there is a field.
I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase ‘each other’ doesn’t make any sense.”
Enough said here.
