Currently Playing: Sufjan Stevens-Concerning The UFO Sighting Near Highland, Illinois.
During
moments like these, I sometimes allow myself into that other part of me
where I can hear myself speak, words ringing out loud and clear. I
abandon all distractions save for a faint tune in the background to
level the silence with something calm before facing the storm of
self-criticisms.
To evaluate your character, beliefs, faith,
principles and where you stand in life is a Necessary Evil. Necessary
because it puts you in your place and draws out mistakes that need
rectifying, weaknesses that need strengthening and identity needing
verification, and Evil because you may not like what you see. This is
when actual facts of who you really are and your ideals of who you wish to be do not coincide. Only then will you realise that you have a lot of work cut out for you.
Basic
psychology tells us that the individual human being is divided into 4
parts: the part he knows that others don’t, the part others know that
he doesn’t, the part which both he and others know, and lastly the part
where neither he nor others know. That is for Allah alone to know.
I’ve been wondering about how well I know myself.
See, I have this picture of who I used to be once, who I’ve become since, and who I’m becoming now.
The
latter, I’m not too happy with. This semester has seen many changes;
the most obvious being that I’m not so wounded up and uptight
anymore. Simply put, I’ve learned to relax a little. Or so I’ve heard.
I wouldn’t know; I’ve never thought myself as a sullen moodswinger in
the first place. Dramatic? Well yes, to be sure, but never over the
top. I guess this is the part others know that I don’t.
I have no complaints about transitions from something good to something better. A minor Hijrah
never hurt anyone. Somehow though, I fear the change may be different
from something I expected of myself. I’m not going about it the right
way. There are many things that need repairing, but I shall share one
of them with you:
I cringe listening to myself when I speak these days.
It
might seem trivial, but I don’t reveal this in jest. The volume, the
loudness, the irritating tone…I didn’t know I had such propensity to
sound like a walking siren! It shames me to no end. It gets worse once
I pay attention to what I’m actually saying. I had no idea I have such
capability to be so utterly dense! I feel like stuffing a sock in it
every time I open my mouth, but I can’t because there’s usually already
a foot in there. I see myself in third person when I’m engaged in a
talk with someone, and its the same voice in my head saying the same
thing all the time: oh my God, Lubna, shut up, what the heck are you going on about? What are you saying? Stop, you’re blabbing now. The worst is when I let out something with absolutely no thought in mind. I take a step back and think: Wow. That was utterly pointless. It isn’t even remotely useful.
I should just clamp myself shut each time I get an urge to say
something. What’s the point of speaking if nothing good is going to
come out? As the saying goes, "if you can’t say something nice, don’t
say anything at all."
Lately, I’ve also been wondering about the part of my being which
only Allah knows. I can’t quite recall the Quranic verse, but I believe
there is one that states how Allah alone knows our innermost intentions
behind our every action and conduct. That is understandable, but the
explanation of the verse goes as far as to include intentions which we
ourselves are unaware of. That is just terribly frightening. Imagine confidently carrying out an act under the illusion of a pure niyyah,
only to discover that behind that lies something darker, more sinister?
There have been one two many times where I’ve had to catch myself from
doing something because my intentions were unclear.
Yes, these things worry me. Especially since I’ve been pondering on
and weighing my mortality more than usual these past few weeks. Somehow
I’ve become more poignantly aware of the fragility of human life.
It didn’t help that I’ve just received news on the passing of 2 former schoolmates of mine.
To Him we belong, and to Him we shall return.
Death will happen. That’s a fact. It’s just a question of when.
Blurred Perspectives
South Queensferry
June 2006
Enough said here.
