Currently Playing: Patty Griffin-Rowing Song.
"Ramadhan is a month whose beginning is Mercy, whose middle is Forgiveness and whose end is freedom from the fire." -Hadith of the Prophet (pbuh).
How can I even begin to tell you how my heart leaps at the arrival of this month every year? How do I reduce into mere words the magnitude of the overwhelming feeling I am overcome with during the nights as I hear the familiar dhikr after each Terawikh prayer? It is impossible to make others understand, just as it is impossible for me to know what they may feel during this blessed month, be it similar or otherwise.
It is not for me to judge. I am only here to remind myself.
To be honest, although I welcome Ramadhan with open arms and an open heart every time, it remains the only month that truly scares the wits out of me. I am terrified by what it brings–a realisation that this is the time when I can truly examine the state of my soul as it is.
I believe it was Imam Al-Ghazali who defined Akhlak as a state of the soul in which acts freely flow from. In other words, whatever we do without thought but rather, based on intuition of what is right, reflects whether we have good or bad Akhlak.
It is this very time when I am able to look within and hear my own voice without any interference from the meddling voices and deceitful whispers of Syaitan. It is this very time when I can really see myself as I am, and observe whether I fall into the traps of sin or not. If I’m able to do that without the much unwanted ‘help’ from those Fire-Dwellers who are chained up at present time, then hooey, I am in major trouble.
It is frightening, is it not?
To know that one is capable of doing whatever one pleases, or to know that performing extra ‘ibadah still remains a heavy burden even when there is nothing but nafs to conquer.
I can feel the difference though. The reluctance to pray in the earlier hours, the hesitation in deciding whether to perform the lengthy version of wirid or not…its been lifted. When reminded that the opportunities that Ramadhan holds are so great in their bounty and that Death can claim Life at any given time, it spurs a spirit on to greater heights in their surrender to God. A complete surrender. When you know that whatever you got ain’t enough…not even close, when the jackpot round arrives, you know you have got to aim for the top to score straight and win the big one.
This may be my last Ramadhan…I do not know. Nauzubillahimindhaalik.
Only God knows I still have a long way to go before I am fully prepared to meet Him.
I’m not sure what exactly I’m going through currently, but I believe Raihan had termed it as Islah.
And I shall continue with the Islah (repair) of my soul, until the day I draw my last breath, Insya Allah.
Happy iftar everyone.
Enough said here.
