Currently Playing: Death Cab For Cutie-I Will Follow You Into The Dark.
Everything tells me that something is not right. Or maybe it’s something telling me that everything is wrong. Either way, things don’t look too good right now. There’s a rip in my sails.
2 weeks ago, Aizat asked me what I thought of the whole LAP experience.
I didn’t answer him.
Straight facts and stinging realisation struck me across the face. Hard.
People either come with dreams or without, so what do you make of people who have dreams but are unsure of them? Which pigeon-hole do you fit them in?
My life has always been about plans and aims. Whether I fulfil them is another matter, but I was always sure of what I wanted. I wanted to do Law at age 12, and decided that that would happen in IIUM because of its Islamic set-up and because the main medium of instruction was English (and Arabic). Between the ages of 14 and 15, the Palestinian intifada came to the fore which further reinforced my beliefs that I was choosing the right career path. Full support from my family (both nucleus and extended, because God forbid I don’t announce it to the Arab clan) plus growing passion and interest in human rights led me to charter a long-term map of what I would be, where and when, if Allah allowed it to be so.
By age 28, if Palestine is still occupied I’d help in the resistance movements from both the legal and field aspect. Insya Allah, if its already an established state, free from the repulsive clutches of the Zionists, I’d be focusing on rebuilding and restoration. Before the age of 35, Insya Allah I would already have enough to go for my Hajj with my parents.
Now though…
I’ve studied Law for a proper year, and it’s a lot of hard work. They say that it’s a glamorous course, but there’s nothing glamorous in working your butt off day in, day out, memorising rules and principles which would most probably become obsolete by the time you receive that first scroll. Hard work, I can handle. It’s the passion that I’m worried about; that burning fire is now this pile of dim embers I’m trying my best to stoke. I’ve spent these past weeks trying to rekindle that feeling of absolute fervour and zeal for something I once loved…but it feels like my whole perception of justice is now corroded. It isn’t what I thought it would be.
LAP opened my eyes to a world where procedures were the order of the day. Lawyers standing before judges with their craftily-made arguments, weaselling in and out, finding technical loopholes and defending criminals…the monotony and morality of it all got to me. I cannot work in that environment!
I had really wanted to become a human rights lawyer.
Now though…dare I say it? Dare I say that I now do not know anymore? Dare I say I’m not so sure of myself anymore?
These days, I’ve been giving it serious consideration. Just because I do relatively well in a course does not necessarily mean it was tailored for me. Yes, I know that each course has its patches here and there that don’t fit like a glove, but this a more than just a mismatched hem.
Sometimes I find myself wishing I had ignored the fact that I hated science and worked myself silly to become a medical doctor. It’s undeniably the most noble profession I can think of. Perchance, it may be all those episodes of House and Grey’s Anatomy that’s influenced me heavily, but I doubt it. War-ravaged and disaster-struck countries always seek volunteers with some medical background.
To compare the two vocations from an outsider’s POV, doctors are almost always more often then not, regarded as heroes because they save human lives quite literally, while lawyers only fare well as being the butt of many lawyer gags. It’s a common joke that all lawyers will go to Hell, and the idea of garnering respect as a lawyer is unheard of. I feel like I’m on my way to becoming part of the Dumb Blonde-type joke stigma.
But then again, I don’t know. Maybe this uncertainty is what all students go through? To be honest, I don’t think I’d stick with any profession if given a choice. Think Jane of all trades, Master of none. I suppose if I truly looked at my nature with complete honesty, I can never fully delve into only one field. I need variety, diversity, changes. To entirely commit to one thing would dissipate any interest I may have had.
I want to be a photo-journalist, a kindergarten teacher, a columnist, a lecturer, a writer, a pilot, an astronomer, an archaeologist, a historian. a bookstore-owner, a ranch owner (I kid you not), an actress, a forensic investigator, a social worker, a football player (this, being the most unrealistic), etc etc etc. ETCETERA. I want to be anything and everything I can be, under the sun.
I made a choice though. A decision. And that chartered map shows that I’m still smooth-sailing. So though I may feel like I’m chaining up my leg to an iron ball, the winds have been well, and rough seas have not torn this ship apart. I must have made the right choice, right? Right?
So. Full steam ahead?
Enough said here.
