AIKOL Lab - 5.08 pm
Shit. I’m in a relatively public place and I’m about to lose it. I’m about to cry. This is not good. I think I’ll stare at the keyboard longer and pretend the monitor deserves my intent look. Oh my God this is not helping! I don’t even have a tissue on me! How the hell do I get out of here? Seriously, this entry’s perhaps the only thing saving my sorry butt from looking like a complete mess right now. At least it gives me something to do.
I’m currently reading Veronika Decides To Die by Paulo Coelho and its riveting. I don’t how but I’m able to identify with almost everything Veronika is dealing with, her fears and her reason for wanting to let Life go. No, I’m not suicidal but last night I came across a page which scared the crap out of me. So far, its the loudest chord that this book has struck with me, and now I’m worried. I know I’m not depressed…just discontent, and I feel selfish for feeling discontent, and I’m angry for feeling selfish because I have a right to feel discontent, and I’m angry that I’m angry for feeling selfish for being discontent. Don’t try and figure out the root of it, its a problem that refuses to go away so I suggest to leave it alone. It’ll go away. It usually does. The only problem is that it returns at unexpected moments.
Good news. The tears didn’t fall. I’ve regained composure. I was doing some research on Srebrenica and came across many articles and various accounts by Srebrenican survivors. Now I’m not alien to reading about human atrocities and genocide, having been very passionate about the Palestinian-Israeli conflict since my high school days. That involved plenty of research and readings. I remember having to prepare for my oral presentation on Palestine and not being able to concentrate properly because my emotions got the better of me and I had to control my mouth for fear of hurling abuse at the bloody pro-Zionists. That was for my presentation of course. Only Rojak and those within earshot would be able to tell you the uncensored version of my talks about Palestine. Even then, I felt like I still didn’t know Palestine as well as I wanted. By the time Iraq happened, I begun feeling helpless, powerless, while my brothers and sisters died in the masses. By that time, I was numb, my passion begun to wane and I felt that the world was really on a fast course to Hell. I thought to myself, ‘what’s the point of caring when no one hears my voice? Even OIC itself is a disappointment.’
With that, I faltered. I became ashamed of myself for being someone who declared to want to fight for Palestinian human rights, for wanting to involve myself in activist movements, for choosing my profession based on that reason, and yet giving up so quickly. I felt sure my spirit to defend the oppressed had died.
And now, Srebrenica came. In my total obsession with Palestine, I had been ignorant with other atrocities in other Muslim countries. I knew mass murder had been commited in Bosnia, so I assumed Srebrenica was just one of the many regions. I thank the IIUM Library for holding the exhibitions to raise awareness in conjunction with the 10th anniversary of the Srebrenican massacre. I inwardly screamed (it was after all in the library) looking at the pictures of children looking lost, wives weeping and mothers crying. All had a look of hopelessness, and although it was only through photos, I sensed their immense grief and mourned quietly. Looking at the photos of the war criminals (which were appropiately placed on the ground), I felt an irrepressible urge to stomp and spit on them.
I guess reading the articles about Srebrenica brought back the strong emotions and that spirit I had thought was long gone, back again. Compassion for humanity is neverending, and I was wrong in thinking I wouldn’t be heard. My signature in that condolence book, my various signatures in petitions and supportive comments in Palestinian websites…all that has to count for something. There’s a talk on Srebrenica tomorrow night at the Library Auditorium, so for all UIA students who happen to read this, I hope you’ll go.
I’ll see you there.
Enough said here.
