The whole TS scenario at the moment is almost funny. Almost. I can’t decide who’s being childish here, since I’m stuck in something that I didn’t even start. Heck, if it’s going to be this way and stay this way, I can’t exactly change things. It’s always been like that before. It seems like TS is really on a roll nowadays…being more irritating than ever. It could be personal problems but I don’t think that justifies taking the piss out of people.
With that said, I move on.
Plans. I’ve always been a planner, for as long as I can remember. Even if I didn’t want to, subconsciously, they would just come. But I’ve stopped over recent weeks. Reason? I’m sick and tired of being disappointed with myself whenever I don’t complete whatever’s on the agenda. It makes me feel even more of a failure, and that isn’t very healthy for my self-esteem. So these days, I just go with the flow.
One problem: going with the flow feels so unfulfilling…it feels even worse than not accomplishing what I set out to do. At least with something planned, you get a general picture of what’s there to be done. You get the feeling that you’re DOING something, or you need to be doing something. You set goals, and there you have it. Something to look forward to. Its just the part where you don’t fulifil them that gets you down.
I lack discipline and have such a horrible case of procrastination its not even funny. A horrible combination for a planner, true, but thats another agenda on my To Do list - work on it. Believe me, it feels great to overcome that little voice in your head that tells you to lie a little longer, or sit a moment more…and by the end of the day, realising that you’ve completely ignored that voice gives this great sense of satisfaction.
Easier said than done.
That’s why I’m daring myself to do this again. I’m going back to planning my days. If disappointment and shame is what I have to go through again, so be it. It beats living like the loser I am now. I’m just going to have to work on it.
I won’t let my holidays go to waste.
*Gulp*
Wish me luck.
"You can’t run away from your problems, but you can solve them."
-Imaam Al-Ghazali-
Enough said here.
