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This heart

Posted by: lubnaaa | November 6, 2009 | No Comment |

It pulls me in 27 different directions

Sometimes it skips a beat at the mention of the wrong name

Sometimes it makes me soft and sentimental

helpless at the sweetest notions

Sometimes it clears my head

slaps my face

helps dust off all those fluffy clouds

and pulls me up to my feet

to get things done.

Sometimes I can feel it burst with so much heat, so much anger, so much hate, so much need for vengeance, for justice,

And the best part is when Sometimes happens all at once.

Sometimes I know what I’m feeling

And I know why I’m feeling it

Not being confused though, doesn’t make it easier.

You know you have to ride it out, but it still bothers you.

And it bothers you that it bothers you,

I used to have much better control.

Enough said here.

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What do I make of you?

Posted by: lubnaaa | November 2, 2009 | No Comment |

“My feelings dismay me. I so rarely control them. They are their own kingdom, too primitive to be a republic, and when they want to, they send their armies to batter me. My total self should include feeling but I do not know how to make a treaty with that warrior state. When I was growing up I rebelled against feeling and now my feeling rebel against me.”

- Gut Symmetries, Jeanette Winterson.

Enough said here.

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And promise not to promise anymore.

Posted by: lubnaaa | November 2, 2009 | No Comment |

Enough said here.

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Set fire to the third bar.

Posted by: lubnaaa | October 29, 2009 | No Comment |

“Stella turned towards me and crumpled my heart in her hand.

‘Do you fall in love often?’

Yes often. With a view, with a book, with a dog, a cat, with numbers, with friends, with complete strangers, with nothing at all.”

-Gut Symmetries, Jeanette Winterson

Enough said here.

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The cure.

Posted by: lubnaaa | October 25, 2009 | No Comment |

That bitter aftertaste is gone.

It’s not that difficult really.

Here are a few suggestions:

Make a good strong cup of coffee, and put whipped cream on top. Take out the Belgian chocolates your high school friends got you for your graduation and watch a mindless sitcom (not completely mindless though. BBT has its scientific perks).

Get someone to drive you through the city streets at night, and if you’re visually restricted like me, leave your glasses at home. Snuggle up on the passenger seat and squint at the blurry lights dancing about all around you. Put on a good mix CD.

Drive yourself. Get on a highway, speed by everything and pretend you’re leaving it all behind. Put on The Temper Trap’s Sweet Disposition and go as fast as you dare. Stretch those legal limits as much as you think you can get away with So much for upholding the law.

Or, you can just call up a high school friend and scream because she sent you a message telling you she’ll be getting engaged soon.

These work.

———-

I think my firm in particular has rendered my colleagues and into a state of severe paranoia. We can’t even enjoy our free time without freaking out. Every time her phone rings, Abby instinctively thinks it’s her boss, while I think I see my boss and partners and lawyers everywhere I go, in the mosque, at the mall, in the park. Only yesterday I did a double take because I thought I saw one of them walk by me and immediately thought of documents. Yikes.

I’ve also realised something else.

Since I spend most of my time on the computer to get my work done, it’s sort of programmed itself into my brain. I was going through my closet the other night looking for a particular handbag and had to pull out all the other handbags, hence making a complete mess out of what was once nice, neat and orderly. Once I found the bag I wanted, I looked at the pile of all the other bags lying scattered on the floor and automatically searched for the “Undo” button.

WHICH MEANS.

I need to log out. Now.

Good night all, wasalam.

Enough said here.

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She’s come undone.

Posted by: lubnaaa | October 25, 2009 | 3 Comments |

I had a pretty good week.

Last Sunday, a friend of mine finally delivered his 4 year promise to play me Schubert’s Serenade on his violin before he graduated, which he did, and in public too. We found ourselves at Italiannies OU after looking for a place where he’d be able to play without throwing up out of nervousness, and in retrospect, it was a good spot. If you’ve been there, it was by the indoor waterfall which added a nice touch to the whole scene.

On Tuesday I bumped into Fara and Mun at the Shah Alam Court Registry. Never mind the depressing place, but it felt like a mini UIA reunion, so that was nice. Ely called in to say she was at my office at the very minute I was away, but though we didn’t meet, the call was enough to make me smile.

On Thursday, my closest, funnest, best-loved friends from high school paid me a visit at the office to have lunch with me. I had less than an hour to spend with them, what with the ordering and waiting for the food to come and of course Zuhr prayers, and parking’s a bitch in that area (excuse my French), but they came anyway. Teck Fann leaves for Japan soon, so this get-together was so necessary. I practically skipped out of the office library to join them.

On Friday, my sister called me up to tell me she finally got her final exam results. After fretting and worrying for days on end, she landed herself onto the Dean’s List with a whopping score of (I’m not sure I have the authority to say). But Alhamdulillah. I made her pray solat shukr; this is nothing but Allah’s rezeki.

On the same day, we won a case in the morning. It felt really good to hear the judgment being read out, brief as it was, because I did the written submission for the case, all 37 pages of it. My boss depended on me to get it done, and skimmed through it briefly, amended it a little, said it should be alright before telling me to file it. Anything could’ve gone wrong. I could’ve structured the whole thing badly, I could’ve cited the wrong authorities, I could’ve made out a weak argument, I could’ve done something that made it fatal to our case. I mean, it was my only the second submission I’d done so far. Alhamdulillah though, it looks like I got it right. I went with my boss and another lawyer that day to get the decision, and after we left the court, the lawyer who came with us turned to me and said: “Well done.” Free breakfast at Mont Kiara afterwards, so Alhamdulillah!

Friday night was the firm’s bowling tournament, so I came to lend my support for my team. It was quite a vision seeing lawyers in their office clothes, blazers, skirts and pearls playing - I doubt I’ll forget that in a hurry. But seeing everyone loosen up and cheer their teammates on was fun.

Yesterday morning, I had an exam that I wasn’t prepared for in the least. It later turned into an open book test which helped me out a lot. The evening class and evening exam also got cancelled later so I went out with my roomie and 7 other friends to catch a movie. I should probably tell you that I live a life of substitutions; the only time I have for anything movie-related these days are usually trailers, so going out yesterday was a breath of fresh air and equals to a much needed break.

Today I got up early to make breakfast with my mum, and later on cooked lunch. I don’t even remember the last time I slaved over the stove, so today was a first in a really long time. Best bit is everything turned out fine, so Alhamdulillah for that again.

Despite it all though, despite all these wonderful blessings I’ve received in such a short span of time, I’ve found that it really is possible for a single moment, a word, a thought, a look, a person, to undo everything. Just everything.

You know that struggle, when you try your best to focus on the good things to at least try to even the bitterness out, but you can’t because that bad aftertaste in your mouth is just too strong and lingers about?

Enough said here.

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Hello Monday

Posted by: lubnaaa | October 19, 2009 | No Comment |

Enough said here.

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Witnesses for Validation

Posted by: lubnaaa | October 15, 2009 | 2 Comments |

Can you see me?

Here I am

Stuck in the morning rush hour

With breakfast coffee on my breath

And rain smearing my windshields

Norah Jones is on

And I’m staring straight ahead

Fumbling for sense in the swirl of thoughts

That drown me even more so than the falling rain

Can you see me?

Here I am

(Because sometimes we need witnesses to our lives for a sense of validation)

Enough said here.

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The other day, S (yes, the one who got registered) was stuffing his counsel bag with files by my table, while I was putting together all the documents we needed for the hearing we were going to. I was so focused on preparing everything properly (this profession demands hella tedious details) that I didn’t even hear a remark one of the partners made as he walked by. S laughed out loud, so I looked up to see the partner staring straight at me.

“I beg your pardon Sir, did you say something?” I asked meekly. He was one of the senior partners.

He gestured towards S who I then saw was kneeling by his counsel bag, stuffing it still, and repeated:

“I said, with him kneeling on one bent knee like that, he looks as though he’s proposing to you. I’d advise you to not say yes.”

I looked over at S and tried to laugh but the stress of not eating and working through the lunch hour to get the bundles ready must’ve taken the humour out of me, so I managed a small smile instead and said:

“Oh, I didn’t notice he was there.”

The partner then laughed at S, saying:

“Wow, that’s very bad for you S. Not only do you not have her attention, she doesn’t even know you exist, much less if you were proposing!”

Story of my life Sir, I wanted to say.

Enough said here.

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I confess

Posted by: lubnaaa | October 12, 2009 | 3 Comments |

I had a great time. :)

Alhamdulillah for everything.

Enough said here.

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